My name is Kayla and I am a Stress Eater.

Normally on my blog I share about fitness, meal planning, recipes, positive tips and how it can help get, and keep a smile on your face and build self-confidence.

But not today.

Today, I am going to get more personal. Today I want to share something different.

Last night my Aunt passed away. This news has really hit my family hard. We are all mourning her loss and it is tearing me apart that I cannot be there for my mom and cousins in person. All I want is to hug them and hold them close, but phone calls and texts are as close as I can get.  It's been a difficult day, with lots of tears and memories. Today is not about meal plans, or workouts or losing weight. Today is about praying for my family that is grieving.

So, why can't I stop thinking about food!?!?!?!?

I am a stress eater! As soon as my brain registers stress, I immediately start craving food. Comfort food. Chocolate. Cake. Chocolate Cake. Homemade foods that my mom always made. Pasta. Brownies. Coffee drowned in syrup and whip cream.

None of these food are going to bring back my Aunt.  None of these foods are going to make me feel better. In fact, if I were to eat any of these, the first thing I would feel was guilt. These carb filled foods I am craving will only make me feel more weighed down and probably bloated.  I am already sad, with a puffy face and eyes, I do not need a puffy gut too.

I am doing my best to resist these cravings, but it's hard. These habits run deep. This is what I do when I am stressed. I eat.  And eat. And eat.  My wonderful husband offered late last night to go to the store and get me a delicious treat. At first I said yes! Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting please!  But I took it back. Eating my feelings would not heal the hurt.

I have been craving food all day and I resisted the chocolate chip banana bread sitting on my counter, and the omelet with cheese and sausage and more cheese that I wanted. Instead I stuck with what I had on my meal plan (thank goodness for meal prep because it would have been harder to make the healthy choice if  it wasn't right there in my fridge, ready for me).  I made scrambled eggs with mushrooms and onions.  It was delicious!

Then I made coffee. I LOVE coffee! On the 21 Day Fix Extreme meal plan sugar and cream are no-no's, so coffee is allowed but it has to be black.  So far, this hasn't bothered me. Today I poured my cup and almost spit it out it was so terrible.  Not sure what happened, but I made the worst cup of coffee I have ever made. Ever. And I have had a lot of practice. So, I made the rash decision to drive the 2 minutes to my favorite local coffee shop (with a drive thru so I didn't have to get my daughter out of the car) and order an iced caramel mocha. "Would you like a regular or a large?" I got the regular, surely that would help my guilt, right? Wrong. I got about a 1/4 of the way through my drink and had to stop. I put it in the fridge. The guilt was too much.  This wasn't helping me, it was making me feel worse.

I decided to change gears and try to get my mind off food. I read books with my daughter, we colored pictures, we cuddled, and loaded the dishwasher (can you believe that even when you are sad, the dishes and laundry still pile up?). I was starting to feel a little better, but I knew what would really help my guilt and focus, exercise. Ugh! I hate it. I don't even like working out. I do it, but I don't love it. But it's science that when you exercise and have all those happy endorphins floating around you feel better. So I decided to get my workout done early. Even my daughter seemed excited about joining me. I did Lower Fix from 21 Day Fix Extreme and threw in 10 minute abs to ease my guilt about breaking my meal plan. As much as I hate to admit it...it worked. I felt much better after working out. It didn't take away the sadness or the tears sitting just behind my eyes waiting to make their next appearance, but it did relieve some guilt. Even typing this post while cuddling with my dog is a bigger stress reliever than stress eating will ever be. Sabotaging myself is not going to bring my Aunt back.

The focus today should not be on food, the focus should be on my Aunt and all the wonderful memories I have of her. The focus today should be supporting my family, even from afar, as we move through this difficult time.

To my Aunt: You will be very dearly missed. We love you!

A Story of Stress and Will Power

I could have made so many excuses why I should NOT start my new program, Insanity MAX:30 or Challenge Group this week! So many reasons! 

*we are just getting back into our routine

*my daughter's birthday will include dessert, and probably a carb filled dinner, since those are her favorites

*my husband was going to do the program with me but injured his knee and was given doctors orders to rest it for 6 weeks

*I'm tired, so very tired

Truth BOMB #1: There is NEVER a good time to start! NEVER! 

Life will continue happening whether you are on a healthy journey or not, so if you keep putting off  your start date, you will never start.

So, I took my own advice and I started on Monday, despite my life getting in the way.

Truth BOMB #2: Once you start don't quit because one thing derails you! Get back on it!

In addition to the list of excuses I already knew about, there was a sudden health issue that came up with my Dad.  Something we thought was under control and on the mend, suddenly took a turn for the worst and he had to have surgery right away. Like, clear the OR tomorrow...he needs this now. This is incredibly stressful for a daughter that LOVES her Daddy and is too far away to be there when he needed me.  I had to rely on phone updates, instead of being there in the waiting room. That is hard. It's so hard. It took every ounce of my self control to not call every 10 minutes or text for updates.  I had to trust that my stepmom would call when she had news (which she did!), but it's so hard to wait.  

Using all my self-control to stay away from my phone made my other weakness even weaker...stress eating.  All I wanted was the comfort of stuffing my face with anything I could find in the pantry.  Thankfully I had already cleaned out the pantry before starting on Monday, so I would have really had to dig to find something.  I kept walking into the kitchen and then talking myself out of eating something, because I wasn't hungry.  I knew that. I knew I was only going to eat because I was stressed out.  I also knew that if I gave in, I would immediately feel guilty. I have goals to reach and this wasn't going to get me there.

I decided to redirect.  I got on my knees and I prayed. I prayed a lot. For my dad mostly, but also for my will power. When I got a chance to talk to my Dad I wanted to be happy and positive, not feeling guilty and down on myself, because it wasn't about me. It was about him. I had not done my workout yet, so I popped Sweat Intervals in and decided to really give it my all.  

It worked! Not only did I get my very best Insanity MAX:30 time, but I felt so much better knowing that I had done something positive during that stressful time.  It's not glamorous, but here I am all sweaty  and hair a mess after my workout...

I was able to talk to my Dad for a just a couple minutes later on after his surgery.  He is doing well and will hopefully be going home soon. 

The moral of this story is: it's not about perfect timing or doing it perfectly, it's about STAYING THE COURSE. It's about starting this journey even when it's imperfect, and learning as you go to do it better. 9 months ago I would have never had the will power or self-control to start unless the timing was perfect. 9 months ago I would never have had the will power or self-control to close the pantry door and work out instead.  But through many, MANY failures I have learned that this is what will get me to my goals; this is what will make me happy.  :) 

I should note: my will power does not always win. But more on that later. Today I want to focus on this success, because it took everything I had to do it and I am proud of my progress.