But not today.
Today, I am going to get more personal. Today I want to share something different.
Last night my Aunt passed away. This news has really hit my family hard. We are all mourning her loss and it is tearing me apart that I cannot be there for my mom and cousins in person. All I want is to hug them and hold them close, but phone calls and texts are as close as I can get. It's been a difficult day, with lots of tears and memories. Today is not about meal plans, or workouts or losing weight. Today is about praying for my family that is grieving.
So, why can't I stop thinking about food!?!?!?!?
I am a stress eater! As soon as my brain registers stress, I immediately start craving food. Comfort food. Chocolate. Cake. Chocolate Cake. Homemade foods that my mom always made. Pasta. Brownies. Coffee drowned in syrup and whip cream.
None of these food are going to bring back my Aunt. None of these foods are going to make me feel better. In fact, if I were to eat any of these, the first thing I would feel was guilt. These carb filled foods I am craving will only make me feel more weighed down and probably bloated. I am already sad, with a puffy face and eyes, I do not need a puffy gut too.
I am doing my best to resist these cravings, but it's hard. These habits run deep. This is what I do when I am stressed. I eat. And eat. And eat. My wonderful husband offered late last night to go to the store and get me a delicious treat. At first I said yes! Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting please! But I took it back. Eating my feelings would not heal the hurt.
I have been craving food all day and I resisted the chocolate chip banana bread sitting on my counter, and the omelet with cheese and sausage and more cheese that I wanted. Instead I stuck with what I had on my meal plan (thank goodness for meal prep because it would have been harder to make the healthy choice if it wasn't right there in my fridge, ready for me). I made scrambled eggs with mushrooms and onions. It was delicious!
Then I made coffee. I LOVE coffee! On the 21 Day Fix Extreme meal plan sugar and cream are no-no's, so coffee is allowed but it has to be black. So far, this hasn't bothered me. Today I poured my cup and almost spit it out it was so terrible. Not sure what happened, but I made the worst cup of coffee I have ever made. Ever. And I have had a lot of practice. So, I made the rash decision to drive the 2 minutes to my favorite local coffee shop (with a drive thru so I didn't have to get my daughter out of the car) and order an iced caramel mocha. "Would you like a regular or a large?" I got the regular, surely that would help my guilt, right? Wrong. I got about a 1/4 of the way through my drink and had to stop. I put it in the fridge. The guilt was too much. This wasn't helping me, it was making me feel worse.
I decided to change gears and try to get my mind off food. I read books with my daughter, we colored pictures, we cuddled, and loaded the dishwasher (can you believe that even when you are sad, the dishes and laundry still pile up?). I was starting to feel a little better, but I knew what would really help my guilt and focus, exercise. Ugh! I hate it. I don't even like working out. I do it, but I don't love it. But it's science that when you exercise and have all those happy endorphins floating around you feel better. So I decided to get my workout done early. Even my daughter seemed excited about joining me. I did Lower Fix from 21 Day Fix Extreme and threw in 10 minute abs to ease my guilt about breaking my meal plan. As much as I hate to admit it...it worked. I felt much better after working out. It didn't take away the sadness or the tears sitting just behind my eyes waiting to make their next appearance, but it did relieve some guilt. Even typing this post while cuddling with my dog is a bigger stress reliever than stress eating will ever be. Sabotaging myself is not going to bring my Aunt back.
The focus today should not be on food, the focus should be on my Aunt and all the wonderful memories I have of her. The focus today should be supporting my family, even from afar, as we move through this difficult time.
To my Aunt: You will be very dearly missed. We love you!
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